Essay: My ancestors aren't listening

I'm confounded. I'm trying to figure out how this works. As I wrote in My Imaginary Family, in the kinship category, almost everybody before my generation has now kicked off. My brother and sister and my cousins and I are what count as elders now. And coming after me, in my immediate family, a single nephew and three nieces. Two of the nieces are in adult foster care with multiple problems. The other, carrying a big weight of historical expectation if you buy such logic, is a beginning doctor in the first year of her residency.

I'm pretty sure my ancestors are mute.

And I have no reason to believe that if they knew me, that they'd like me or wish me well. They were very religious and didn't seem receptive to nonconformists like me, especially women like me. In their way, they were nonconformists but intolerant ones " their nonconformity was rooted in passionate belief that everybody should be like them.

The stories I've heard about my ancestors depress me. I'm feeling cynical today, but even the most colorful ones, like my Grandfather Vandersall, a traveling evangelist, seem screwed up and unhappy. What would they say? I keep thinking, from the Great Beyond, that they might utter, like the great cynic Philip Larkin,

"Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can

And don't have any kids yourself."

Jan's book, Night Blind is available at Barnes & Noble in Genesee Valley, UM-Flint Bookstore, East End Books and Music at the Farmers' Market, Pages Bookstore, Little Professor Book Center in Fenton, www.Amazon.com, www.Bn.com and www.iuniverse.com.